The Debt Dance

The number one cause of divorce in the US is financial stress. If you’re fighting constantly about money and debt try some of these activities to calm the waters.

1. Identify the problems. State what you need. Constantly screaming at each other the same thing over and over will not help. Use “I” statements to tell your partner the BARE MINIMUM that you need from them just for the next week.

• I need us to stay in this week, not eat out, not go partying, and not go to the mall.
• I need us to sit down together and balance the checkbook and pay bills.
• I need us to cut up all credit cards but one, leave one to freeze in a metal can (can’t be microwaved).
• I need both of us to take our lunches, not just me.

Agree that you will compromise JUST FOR THIS WEEK. (If you can’t agree at first then pare down the list and try again. If you still can”t agree it may be time for a counselor to step in.)

2.  At the end of the week sit down in a relaxed setting (not in the middle of the game or the kids running through screaming) and go over how the week went. Praise each other on the common ground you have found.  Set your requests for another week. Try to not discuss the money issues until the end of the week.

3. At the end of the third week decide on life dreams you both have. These are take your breath away dreams (write your novel, quit your job, sail around the world…) DECIDE that these dreams are achievable, even if money looks dreadful right now.  Make one month, very small goals towards your dreams. Goals must include both partners in order for this to work.

4. Continue to hold weekly meetings when you discuss your financial issues, with your dreams driving your process, e.g.:

• If we cut back on movies or pizza by 50% we can put $100 toward our vacation fund.
• If we fix up the kitchen maybe we could sell the house, buy a smaller one, and pay off our student loans–and start our business.

5. If things still aren’t going well, look for hidden reasons for your fights (like sex problems, big life issues such as having another child, disrespect, substance abuse, etc.). It can also indicate control issue problems in marriages and relationships that may need professional intervention.

If you have a good relationship don’t let money destroy it. Get help.

NOW HERE’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES:

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together becomes reality. – John Lennon

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