In my younger days, before I lost my terror of money, one of the games I played with myself was what I call “emotional bookkeeping.”
Somehow I thought I had a sixth sense that told me how much money I had in the bank. “I think there’s about $225. I haven’t written that many checks. I don’t think I have…I probably haven’t. I’m fairly certain there’s at least $175. Pretty sure…”
At all costs I would avoid balancing my checkbook. I was strangled by fear.
On paydays, however, the truth would come crashing in since I knew i had to pay bills. On those foolish months when I postponed paying the bills I would really land in the muck and mire. When I pushed the bills off to another day, and another day I would have the “rich for a day” syndrome that many of us have when cash rolls in. It’s like being in a white-out blizzard. We can’t see what’s coming ahead so we assume it will all be okay. After all, we haven’t spent that much money.
Have we?
Oh, well. Fiddle lee dee. I’ll think about that tomorrow.
We all know what sort of disaster results from this behavior. Checks bounce. We over spend. Bills fall behind. Our money gets eaten up with bounced check fees (an average of $70 for each check. Do that a few times and the snowball effect is disastrous.)
So how do you cure this type of fear and avoidance? First of all, don’t expect to fix it over night.
Research is showing that gentle exposure therapy works best. In times gone by therapists would work with phobias by having the person imagine they are flying, or giving a speech, or riding an elevator. What they found was that the person could imagine it all day long but actually seeing the event, experiencing its reality, continued to cause extreme anxiety. Imagining had no significant impact.
Approximating the act, getting closer and closer to it, does work. The brain is similar to a collection of foot paths. If you see a checkbook register or your bank statement and this has caused you extreme anxiety in the past, seeing these objects again will trigger the brain to go down that same, miserable anxiety path.
The goal of exposure therapy is to build a new brain path. Here are some suggestions of how to start.
List a hierarchy of your fears, least fearful on top, most fearful on bottom. You practice your least fear first. So, for example, your least fearful action may be:
√Holding your closed check book (or logging onto the internet)
√Opening your check book.
√Adding up all of the checks (if you’re logging onto your online account you may need to break this down into small steps: opening your browser, then going to your bank page, and finally opening the account activity.)
√The next step may be to add up the bills that need to be paid.
√And finally you will devise a plan to pay your bills (or those that are more urgent.)
You may spend several days or even weeks on one level. But remember, you don’t have to be completely comfortable to move forward.
Doing the activity over and over is the key. This “wears a new path” into those little gray cells.
Persistence is paramount. Anyone with a phobia will tell you it is most unpleasant. You may need a therapist to help you work through it. A good buddy who can support you is a wonderful boost. But when it comes down to it you have to practice each step, over and over, until it becomes tolerable. (If your anxiety increases I strongly encourage you to get professional help. If your exposures are too intense you may actually increase your fears.)
The more slow action you can take the deeper that new brain path becomes and the less anxiety you will feel. Becoming “Captain” of your financial ship is absolutely crucial to your success in getting out of debt and reaching those all important dreams.
The outcome–freedom to take charge of your life–is well worth it.
NOW HERE’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE FUNNIES:
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again just walked away
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
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The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”
Your comments on this post are welcome.
Face Your Dreams, Embrace Your Loves
