What happens to us in childhood, although often hidden from our “adult mind,” is profound. I know one man in his sixties who is still trying to disprove his father telling him “you’ll never amount to anything!”
It seems to be part of the human experience to “take to heart” the negative much more than the positive in our childhood. Our mother may tell us over and over that she loves us but we remember the time she shunned us or pushed us away. Memories have weight.
This is especially true with money. A child who grows up with parents who are constantly dodging the rent man and lying to bill collectors will always have an insecurity about money. Being truthful, to this individual, may seem too risky.
I can remember a summer day when my family was having a difficult time. My dad had been sitting at the dining room table with a piece of paper and a pencil. He kept erasing numbers, adding them over and over. I knew this was about money. Later I found him in his bedroom, his hair mussed, his head in his hands. The piece of paper was on the dresser.
I was so scared. My dad was a giant to me, not just tall and strong, but all-knowing and able to protect me from the world. But this…this didn’t look like my dad. I had a panicked desire to fix this, make him happy again.
I went into my bedroom and got my piggy bank.
I took it in and gave it to him.
He handed it back to me, thanked me, and said “no, darlin’, it’s not enough.” And he put his head back in his hands. I don’t think I have ever felt so profoundly helpless and sad.
How this has played out in my life is a constant feeling that I never have enough and it has fostered my over-spending by trying to fill that void with “stuff,” to make certain I have “enough.”
It is extremely important to look back at those critical memories so that we can identify the motivation behind our misery with debt (or delight with debt as we may see being awarded credit as a great accomplishment. Remember the credit card companies coming out with the GOLD card, and then the PLATINUM card?)
These types of deep memories keep us in a groove–like a scratched record–repeating the same behaviors over and over again.
The “fix” for this (or the diminishing of it–I don’t know that there’s ever a real fix) is to become aware and to become rational about it. Challenge the thought and write down what is a more realistic reality:
“I won’t amount to anything” can be “my dad was angry when he said it. I can accomplish whatever I desire in life. I have accomplished a great deal in my life. I’m really proud of that.”
Feeling that the people you owe are “bad” and “out to get you” may be calmed with:
“If I owe money I have an obligation to pay it. I can pay it easily, without effort. I can be honest and no harm will come to me.”
The “I have fifteen credit cards…I’m wonderful…successful…superior” can be toned down to:
“Owing companies money is not a status symbol. I’m a wonderful person just because of who I am.”
And for me with my dad’s “not enough,” I work on statements like “I have all that I need. I am safe. I can handle whatever comes my way.”
A great resource for changing distorted thinking is: Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy. David D. Burns. Available in our Emporium.
NOW HERE’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES:
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”
Author Unknown
Your comments are welcome
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